Feb 13, 20235 min read

My Dad

Updated: Feb 14, 2023

A fitting piece for Valentine's Day ♥️ (02/14/2023)

Updated on 2-14-23

This is a personal story I wanted to write.

To give context, I lost my father at age 16 - it fucked me up but changed me so much.

I've had some thoughts on my mind that I wanted to write about & so many questions...

Without further ado (or adu)? -- allow me to stop dancing around shit and get to it.

Okay - so to begin: my father was a physician, internist, he worked in emergency medicine, had his own practice when I was younger, but he was also a toxicologist & had a specialty in toxicology, specifically with snakes and venom and probably more that I'm unaware of.

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My dad served as the physician for many films/movies that were shot in Maryland- and he was one of the physicians for the Baltimore Orioles.

When I was younger, he asked me if I wanted to be on "The Wire," lol, I have never seen that show. I just know the guy from Boardwalk Empire (Chalky?) - he was also in "The Wire."

Although I was younger, and didn't really understand what the show (The Wire) was about... before I could even think on it - I remember my mother jumping in and saying -- "NO BARRY, SHE'S NOT GOING ON THE WIRE!"

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My immediate family, we always were surrounded with different kinds of animals. I grew up with a rat snake named Pluto, he was really sweet - I promise!

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We had a ton of dogs (German Shepherds, a Great Dane); and all types of other animals, reptiles, you name it!

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The zoo or the aquarium would give my dad all types of creatures to bring home -- like the time we got a "pet scorpion."

After some time, my parents sent or gave the scorpion back because apparently the scorpion was very loud at night...

But, my family has always been & will always be animal lovers - animals of all kinds.

Back to the story, right?

My dad's name was Barry- well, Dr. Barry S. Gold, and I know I am a lot like him--

But I don't know for sure because I have no answers beyond what I seek in my heart & soul.

To continue...

My dad was a veteran (& my pop pop too). My dad had his pilot license (for fun).

My dad also debunked the myth: After being bitten by a poisonous snake -- you don't suck the snake venom out of your skin/body. Rather, my father concluded - you get to a hospital asap.

It makes me smile whenever I reminisce this story (above) or read the debunked myth article - I just think to myself: "thanks dad, that's what we pay you the big bucks for," lolll.

My dad did so many different, amazing & brilliant things. I wish I knew more about him and what he was like...because when you're a teenager, you don't necessarily get the same version of your parent as you would as an adult. Idk, just a thought.

My dad grew up in a typical Jewish home with a mother who was extremely strict, militant, and immensely critical & tough on him & his goals for the future. My grandmother was not this way towards my brother nor myself. Just wanted to say that.

My dad was beyond loyal - he never said a nasty or ill word against or about his parents. At least not to my knowledge. When he was growing up, he was very respectful & he did basically what any good Jewish kid would do -- they follow your parents orders.

OKAY! GET TO THE STORY!

So after my dad died, I found a small, empty journal -- but with one writing / piece inside, written by my father. The piece said, along the lines of / my dad could jump out of a flying airplane, while holding a full glass of wine in his hand, he could make it to the bottom, without spilling a drop of wine... and it still would never be enough.

Never enough for his mother - never enough for society - maybe even never enough for himself.

It makes me sad that my dad could have spent much of his life just trying to make everyone around him (family) happy & taken care of. Yet I feel I know how isolating that can seem for someone at the end of the day, you've devoted everything to helping others through medicine -- brilliant & a world renowned dr, I don't know what was going on in my dads head, but I really keep optimistic that he was able to stop giving a flying motherfuck about what others think of him or how he's perceived - and I wonder how he perceived life...

Without joy sprinkled around my life - there's gonna be some disconnect within myself. Idk how to really explain that...

though I know I am loved.

WE ALL are powerful - more than we could know - wake up and stop being lazy.

Speak your truth without fear of shit. But I highly encourage thorough, thorough research before you decide to beast out. 😊

I just wanted to tell this one short story about my dad. I really really really really miss him and I could never fully explain the depth of how much I love and miss my father.

Today, though, I'm noticing that in certain areas of my life/self, I am beginning to feel the same way that my dad felt when he wrote this short piece -

Here's my paraphrasing or modern day interpretation:

Never enough

It wasn't enough to go to medical school and graduate. It wasn't enough to become a toxicologist. It wasn't enough to work with the FBI. It wasn't enough to have your own medical practice. It wasn't enough to teach it wasn't enough to fly airplanes. It wasn't enough to have a heart attack while you're flying an airplane. It wasn't enough to jump out of a fly airplane with a full glass of wine without spilling a drop -- its never fucking enough.

"Time is precious-- don't waste it..."

And as we get older - time goes on, it gets harder when you begin to wake up to what is going on around you.

Sometimes, I find it really hard to be happy in life when he's not here, and I find it really hard to even get out what's on my chest...

In my times of struggle / I go to my dad. I would do absolutely anything to see him for a split second to say, I love you and thank you for being my dad.